I Can’t Hear My Biological Clock

My clock is melting!

Mother nature woke me up before my alarm – not with sunshine, but with painful cramps. My first thought after, “Owwwwwwch” was, “Crap! I’m out of painkillers.”

A desperate search of my apartment uncovered a single Advil, purchased a few years ago from a shack/pharmacy in Nicaragua. Certain that one expired Advil from a third-world country wasn’t going to do the trick, I went back to bed to suffer.

As the aching intensified, tapered off, then intensified again, I started wondering about the pain of child birth. Then I had a profound and potent realization: I may never know what it’s like.

For a moment, I felt regret, but then I pictured my current life with a newborn baby in it and I had another realization: That’s the last thing I want right now. Which led to a third realization: I think my baby-making clock has officially stopped!

This is so strange to me, because for most of my life, I pictured myself as a mother. In my 20s I imagined myself with a husband; a house in the ‘burbs; a practical car; weekends filled with soccer, swimming and softball.

As I got older, the picture changed. The suburban house became a beach hut in Fiji. The weekly routine was replaced with trips around the globe. The desire to be a mother, however, was still strong.

Now at 40, the picture has changed yet again. You see, when I was younger, I wanted to have my own child. I wanted to experience the miracle of pregnancy and birth. I wanted to love a baby with my own DNA. But lately, that idea seems incredibly selfish to me.

There are so many motherless children in the world. SO MANY. And let’s face it, at my age, the chances of having a healthy baby on my own – without expensive medical intervention – are plummeting with every tick-tock of my biological clock. I just can’t see myself going to great lengths and great expense to challenge nature.

So now I’m thinking something I never imagined: If I ever have a family, I would actually prefer to adopt.

This is a BIG realization for me as I lay in bed, enduring waves of pain only a woman understands (yet not the kind only a mother knows), unable to feel my once strong desire to procreate. I look back on my life and consider all its successes and failures, its unexpected twists and turns, and I can’t help but wonder if this was how it was meant to be all along.


One thought on “I Can’t Hear My Biological Clock

  1. Giving birth is like REALLY bad cramps, so I think you might know how it feels! 😉 And you would make an excellent mother, whether it be yours or someone in need of a surrogate mother…both are so very important. But I will tell you (like you didn’t already know this!) being a mother is the single most important thing I will ever do in my life. Nothing is more important. That’s my 2 cents! Love you babe… come home now! (ha, JK!)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s